Love or True Caring?
Apart from thinking, feelings are the greatest way we handicap ourselves. We have been indoctrinated to believe the opposite is true and that thoughts and feelings are not only necessary in navigating life’s choices, but the superior way.
Science reveals that from the time we are in the womb, we actually sense everything that our mothers are experiencing. We know no separation. It is as if everything is happening directly to us. If our mother experiences stress, fear, yearning or anger, we assume those feelings are ours. Those feelings and emotions then trigger bio chemicals such as cortisol, adrenalin, dopamine, etc. which physically impact us as well. We are quite literally surrounded by feelings that are not even ours, but we perceive them as ours, before we even take our first breath.
By the time we are outside of the womb, we have the ability to tune into others and be aware of their bodies' biochemical functions and feelings. Babies know when people are upset, afraid or angry, and even when these feelings are not expressed with words, the baby will be aware of the energies that are present which sometimes makes them cry. And, because a human baby has total dependence for many years (due to our slow physical, neurological and cognitive development) we are dynamically ingrained with our mother’s physiology and psychology of how we need to operate, to have a loving relationship, and/or to survive here.
During our formative years, the adults around us mostly talk at us (not with us) and teach us how things are according to their points of view. They tell us how we are to behave; what is right and what is wrong. They enforce what we are to be and what we are not to be. Many of them used judgement, guilt, gaslighting and control to ensure that we are thoroughly socialised into a system of polarity that keeps us living with a sense of being separate from others. A system that says, “We must all work together for the greater good. This is how you do it. This is how to care about each other. Thinking, feeling and emoting are the ways in which you connect to others and meet each other’s needs. This is required in order for you to fit in. If you deviate from this system, you will not be deemed a valuable member of society, you will not be understandable, you will be weird and maybe even insane.”
Not one of us wants to be misunderstood, excluded, judged or insane and when no matter how hard you try, you simply do not see the world through the eyes of the system, you end up feeling oh so very wrong which causes many of us to seek feeling special, valued and loved. We do this by constantly looking for people’s positive judgments of us. When negative judgments come our way, we believe it is personal and because it is so deeply imbeded that we “should have received love” from certain people, we often will not let go of seeking to gain their validation. This keeps us in jail, locked into the vicious cycle of how wrong we are and of all the fucks we must give because we have decided that the only reason we are not getting the validation we seek is that somewhere, somehow, we must be wrong.
If you do manage to gain the positive judgments you seek, it does not fulfil anything. You still feel wrong. Unfulfilled. Not special. It appears to “make you feel better” in that moment, until that person takes it away or judges you for something else that “makes you feel bad”.
All of this interaction and communication, which we call love and relationship, is based on judgement and judgement is not real. Judgement is a taught reality. What you experience in nature is real. What you experience in nature is presence. When you are functioning from judgement, you are gone, and when you are not there, not present, your thoughts, feelings and emotions will bat you around like a ping pong ball.
I used to believe I was my feelings. Many people on the planet have this point of view which causes us to choose everything based on how we feel. We won’t make a move if it will upset our “loved ones” or the person who writes our paycheck. We won’t choose the career or the partner we would really like to choose if it will destroy our social status or bring judgement from our friends and neighbours. We allow our lives to be limited because we are desperately trying to avoid the judgement of others so we feel better which never works because the “need to be loved” and the importance of feelings are all based on lies. You were made from something far greater than love; something much more powerful than feelings.
Feeling Loved
The acronym for LOVE is the lower oscillating vibrational equivalent. What does that mean? It means that you have to lower your vibration to the person you are loving. It means that you have to copy their energy and act just like them to prove to them that you understand, that you care, that you feel. Do you get that it is impossible to be you if you are trying to love someone in this manner? Others decide how you will act if you care for them, what you will do to show that you love them and then you, in order to prove that your love and care, pretzel yourself to match their decisions.
We do this to others as well. We project what we expect people to be and do for us and if they don’t we reject them and then separate ourselves from them. This is how relationships and love are carried and it is a minefield.
As an example, if you are sick and your partner has something that is important to him that he would like to stick to and he organises someone else to go to the shops and cook, does that mean he doesn’t love you? That he doesn’ care? Should he drop everything because you should be his priority? Your answer to this depends on your point of view. If you have expectations of what caring is and someone is not living up to them, then you have to conclude that they don’t love you and ultimately you must not be worthy of their caring.
If you are around someone that is sad, are you allowed to be happy? Or do you have to pretend to be sad too because if you love them, that is what you would do? Do you see the insanity in living this way? You are nowhere in the equation. Everything you do is based on feelings, yours and others, and you spend all of your time and energy trying to make sure the people around you feel loved.
You don’t have to continue to use thoughts, feelings and emotions to navigate your life. A starting tool that can assist is that every time you notice that you are stuck in your feelings, simply ask, "Who does this belong to?" You may ask this several times. You're not looking for an answer. You are looking to let go of the thoughts and feelings that you are using to stay stuck trying to prove your love and care. If you lighten up when you ask this question, guess what? Those thoughts, feelings and emotions are not yours. You are simply aware of the system that we have all been entrained to. Something else is possible.
As you use this tool, you will likely discover just how insignificant and irrelevant feelings are. This opens up a new space to explore. To discover what exists beyond thoughts and feelings. To uncover what is greater than love and much more powerful than feelings. Curious what that might be? It is something that most of us were never shown. It is true caring which has absolutely nothing to do with expectations, proving and trying to fit it. True caring. True caring is being totally present with others with no judgement. This does not mean that you are a doormat. If something does not work for you, you can let them know. If there is something you require, you can request it. The difference between love and true caring is that in “love” you do not get to be you and you do not have choice. In true caring you have choice. Everyone has choice. You do not judge you or them. Rather, you have total allowance. Imagine if you lived your life by such true caring that you walked through the world and people softened simply by your allowance and lack of judgement?
How different would your life be?
How different would the world be?
